Lecture and abstract of the conference entitled:
Demography and the Culture of Relationship between Couples
27-29 May 2021, Hungary
Organized by Family Science Alliance, Batthyány Society of Professors and European Family Science Society
Breaking the negative cycle in marriage
Beyond solving specific disagreements, many husbands and wives need to learn how to break the general cycle of negativity toward each other that emerges during such disagreements.
Among couples of goodwill, a negative cycle emerges as tensions arise over specific grey-area conflicts, like spending versus saving, childrearing techniques, work-family balance, etc. When differing about specific issues, a wife may negatively react to her husband and then he negatively reacts to her – again and again, year after year. Both can trigger the negativity.
Beyond solving specific problems that arise between them, each couple needs the “know-how” in preventing the negativity toward each other that undermines intimacy, friendship, and teamwork. Some couples actually solve the specific problems but the negative cycle they enter to find solutions leaves them with an undercurrent of unhappiness.
Dr. Emerson Eggerichs refers to this as The Crazy Cycle, which he explains in this presentation based on his book, Love and Respect. Couples need the “know-how” to identify the Crazy Cycle and jump off sooner. He provides several ways to decode and defuse!
In addition, he reports the research conducted on 2000 couples over a twenty-year period that reveals why this negativity continues to surface.
One reason is that each experiences the same event through different lens. For example, eighty-five percent of those who withdrawal and stonewall during marital conflict is the husband. However, why he feels he does this and why she feels he does this differ.
Or, a similar percentage of wives criticize and complain during marital tensions. However, why she feels she does this and why he feels she does this differ.
Dr. Eggerichs explains how to decode this phenomena. When two people do not decode this, the cycle of negativity continues to spin.
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